The first time one of my kids told me they hated me, it landed exactly like it’s designed to land – straight in the chest, right when I was already holding it together by a thread. I spent the rest of that day turning it over, wondering what it meant about me as a parent.
It’s happened a handful of times since, from more than one of them, and every time it means less about me and more about how big the feeling in front of it was. That shift in how I hear it changed almost everything about how I respond.
What the Words Are Actually Standing In For
A kid who says “I hate you” almost never means the sentence literally. It usually means something closer to “I am furious and this is the biggest word I have access to right now.” Hearing it that way makes it possible to respond to the feeling instead of the accusation.
The Consequence Still Applies
Not taking it personally doesn’t mean ignoring it. If it came with a thrown toy or a slammed door, that gets addressed the same way any other behavior does – directly, tied to what actually happened, not to the words that came with it.
Where I Still Struggle
I wish I could say it never stings anymore. It does. I’ve just gotten better at not letting the sting decide how I respond in the next thirty seconds.
The way I actually talk through moments like this, in the words I use in real time, is in The Positive Discipline Quick-Start Guide.
More on staying steady through the hard moments at our Parenting hub.
